When the people you care most are the ones who hurts you the most
Sometimes I wonder if I can turn out anymore screwed
Then
Friday, December 28, 2012
Depressed - a state of general unhappiness or despondency.
I am not too certain how it started. Probably a combination of everything. But I was in a funk...a deep deep funk. Course it didn't help much that right at that stage, I saw something. Something which usually I could have simply brushed off. But no, it hurts. Fucking hurts. Well, what did I expect. It is like they said, the world moves on, people moves on. No one will wait for you. I would have thought that a decade and more means something but really come to think of it, what do I know really? Not a scratch apparently. I would have appreciate being told, being asked but hey, again, I am the only one who is still here at this spot since the start. Wasn't even a secret it being put out there for the world to see. Maybe hadn't even taken a second to consider what my feelings would be.
All I am asking is just time, time alone, time to ponder, time... And then, the main cause of my funk appeared and like nothing had happened, joke away. Ignoring, leads to a myriad of reasons on the cause and truth to be told, more heart ache. Don't you know that you are the cause? The thought probably never even appear in your mind. One would have thought that at this rate, one would have been numb by now but no. People who tells you they are too numb to feel are just crap out lying in your face. Feeling, an emotion that is always with you. Sometimes I think that if we can see our hearts, mine is probably covered with scar tissue. I used to think all those stories and dramas and what not were just bull. How can one's heart hurts? It's quite hard to wrap the thought around but the heart, the heart is a muscle and like all muscles are when pulled, hurts.
Even trying to get drunk doesn't work. You drink and your mind gets to go into this alcoholic haze, lucky thing, but your heart, your heart still beats and it still fucking aches. What worse is the sudden moment of clarity you have when you realized you have absolutely nothing, nothing left.
I am not too certain how it started. Probably a combination of everything. But I was in a funk...a deep deep funk. Course it didn't help much that right at that stage, I saw something. Something which usually I could have simply brushed off. But no, it hurts. Fucking hurts. Well, what did I expect. It is like they said, the world moves on, people moves on. No one will wait for you. I would have thought that a decade and more means something but really come to think of it, what do I know really? Not a scratch apparently. I would have appreciate being told, being asked but hey, again, I am the only one who is still here at this spot since the start. Wasn't even a secret it being put out there for the world to see. Maybe hadn't even taken a second to consider what my feelings would be.
All I am asking is just time, time alone, time to ponder, time... And then, the main cause of my funk appeared and like nothing had happened, joke away. Ignoring, leads to a myriad of reasons on the cause and truth to be told, more heart ache. Don't you know that you are the cause? The thought probably never even appear in your mind. One would have thought that at this rate, one would have been numb by now but no. People who tells you they are too numb to feel are just crap out lying in your face. Feeling, an emotion that is always with you. Sometimes I think that if we can see our hearts, mine is probably covered with scar tissue. I used to think all those stories and dramas and what not were just bull. How can one's heart hurts? It's quite hard to wrap the thought around but the heart, the heart is a muscle and like all muscles are when pulled, hurts.
Even trying to get drunk doesn't work. You drink and your mind gets to go into this alcoholic haze, lucky thing, but your heart, your heart still beats and it still fucking aches. What worse is the sudden moment of clarity you have when you realized you have absolutely nothing, nothing left.
Thursday, May 3, 2012
Scrap.
This is more for my sake than anyone else not because I like to archive my life but rather I need an outlet. After all I can delete these anytime I wish. Not that deletion is any bit permanent. Remind myself to get robots.txt.
"You will get over it..." Cliches are just that: meaningful in an earlier time + overused to an extent = just one of those annoying things. "This hole in my heart is in the shape of you and no one else can fit it."
Most of the time I’m perfectly content not hanging out with anyone. I'm not antisocial, I just don't feel like talking. I am a quiet person to start with. I am also an excellent procrastinator; I’m so good at it I can even procrastinate going to bed, even sleeping is a great past time - hiding from reality actually. I have terrible posture. I slouch almost everywhere. Mainly in class though. Makes my body seems shorter than it already is. I love to sit straight up all of a sudden and blocking whoever's view behind. Childish. But I take it how I want to. Even when I feel like I have dug myself into a pit of doom (most of the past few years actually), there are things that make me believe (I have to believe) that my life is still good. When people tell me to do something, my response more often than not is to do the opposite. This is mostly the reason why I decided to pursue well - nothing.
I abandoned everything, all that ever made sense (did they really?) and moved into this world...this world that is shaped by me, by us. Such a sacrifice. Was it worth it? No time for reminiscing. Not anymore. Worn out by the thing we call Life. Four letters. One word. Half a dozen definitions. We can as always blame it on Fate. Another four letters. Another word. Another bunch of definitions. No, not this time. Not if Fate is outside of us. "I may be cynical when I say that very rarely is the beloved more than a shaping spirit for the lover's dreams. And perhaps such a thing is enough. To be a muse is enough. The pain is when the dreams change, as they do, as they must. Suddenly the enchanted city fades and you are left alone in the windy desert. As for your beloved, she didn't understand you. The truth is, you never understood yourself." And we have it. Love. Another four letters. Another word. ... You know how it goes. We live a Life that relies on Love that revolves around Fate. Why am I waxing philosophical spiels now?
Off the beaten path and back on track...I wish I meant this literally. But I think the track has long disappeared. Anyway. Maybe it hurts because you care. Doing something, anything to just put a smile on that face. Don't have to put a label...friendship maybe.
I don't know anymore.
This is more for my sake than anyone else not because I like to archive my life but rather I need an outlet. After all I can delete these anytime I wish. Not that deletion is any bit permanent. Remind myself to get robots.txt.
"You will get over it..." Cliches are just that: meaningful in an earlier time + overused to an extent = just one of those annoying things. "This hole in my heart is in the shape of you and no one else can fit it."
Most of the time I’m perfectly content not hanging out with anyone. I'm not antisocial, I just don't feel like talking. I am a quiet person to start with. I am also an excellent procrastinator; I’m so good at it I can even procrastinate going to bed, even sleeping is a great past time - hiding from reality actually. I have terrible posture. I slouch almost everywhere. Mainly in class though. Makes my body seems shorter than it already is. I love to sit straight up all of a sudden and blocking whoever's view behind. Childish. But I take it how I want to. Even when I feel like I have dug myself into a pit of doom (most of the past few years actually), there are things that make me believe (I have to believe) that my life is still good. When people tell me to do something, my response more often than not is to do the opposite. This is mostly the reason why I decided to pursue well - nothing.
I abandoned everything, all that ever made sense (did they really?) and moved into this world...this world that is shaped by me, by us. Such a sacrifice. Was it worth it? No time for reminiscing. Not anymore. Worn out by the thing we call Life. Four letters. One word. Half a dozen definitions. We can as always blame it on Fate. Another four letters. Another word. Another bunch of definitions. No, not this time. Not if Fate is outside of us. "I may be cynical when I say that very rarely is the beloved more than a shaping spirit for the lover's dreams. And perhaps such a thing is enough. To be a muse is enough. The pain is when the dreams change, as they do, as they must. Suddenly the enchanted city fades and you are left alone in the windy desert. As for your beloved, she didn't understand you. The truth is, you never understood yourself." And we have it. Love. Another four letters. Another word. ... You know how it goes. We live a Life that relies on Love that revolves around Fate. Why am I waxing philosophical spiels now?
Off the beaten path and back on track...I wish I meant this literally. But I think the track has long disappeared. Anyway. Maybe it hurts because you care. Doing something, anything to just put a smile on that face. Don't have to put a label...friendship maybe.
I don't know anymore.